3 Tips for Dad Zone Thriving (Part 8 of 8)

Let’s get the obvious out of the way first before giving you the 3 tips promised above. My single strongest recommendation for Dad Zone Thriving is to dive head first into my Welcome To Fatherhood book in where I walk you through each phase of your pregnancy to parenthood journey. In my WTF book I have 13 Big Ideas to help you wrap your head around all the changes you should expect, 28 Dad Tips where I give you very specific advice on how to better connect to Mama and better prepare for what’s next, and 5 Scary Moments where I get real with you on certain things that you need to take very seriously along the way. That’s a lot of material for only $20!

Beyond the basic Paperback and Kindle formats, it’s also now available from Audible where I’m the one actually reading it to you so you get all the right emphasis on all the right things. How easy is that? Just tune in when you’re driving to work, at the gym, cutting the grass, or otherwise already doing something else that isn’t too mentally taxing.

Final shameless bit of self-promotion – I have a video course of all this material coming out SOON (finally!) and I also offer lots of one-on-one Coaching opportunities where we can work together to help you apply all this info directly into your life instantly. Check out my WTF website for more updates on these items, podcast tips from my Baby Talk show, and weekly Blog posts on all kinds of things.

Alright, on to this final post in the series!

Quick recap of the ground covered so far. Part 1’s Sacred Individuality unpacked the “Real You vs Role You” struggle that is at the heart of the Dude Zone to Dad Zone Journey. Part 2, Intro to the Dude Zone, introduced the Dude Zone concept as all the ways you spend your Time, Money, and Energy (TME) on non-Mama and non-work activities. Part 3’s Dude Zone Details helped you separate out the most important items in the 3 categories of Core Items, Social Connections, and Self Care that combine to support the “Real You” of your Sacred Individuality.

Part 4, Dude Zone: Core Items and Options, helped you visualize how and where you could trim your TME commitments down to allow more room for the Role You and the needs required to satisfy your ever growing list of Family Responsibilities. Part 5, Us Time w/Mama, walked you through a similar exercise to clarify the “Us Time” priorities that form a core part of your relationship with Mama, and also suggested making realistic adjustments to it to support your soon to be new life together as parents.

Part 6, Enter the Dad Zone, showed you some of the Baby-related things coming up (or already happening) that pull hard on your previous Dude Zone TME commitments, and finished with a bonus Pro Tip for getting ahead of things a bit. And finally, last week’s part 7 of Avoiding the Dud Zones introduced you to the 2 Dud Zones of Wimpytown and Jerkville. We discussed how both zones are simply failures in teaming up with Mama as a partner here. We also spent some time exploring the inner feeling states of those places and reminded you of the importance of getting out of them quickly when you find yourself there. And FYI, you will definitely find yourself in both of them from time to time! Which brings us right here to these 3 Tips for Dad Zone Thriving.

Tip 1. Getting out of Wimpytown.

As we covered last week, Wimpytown is the land of “yes, dear” and is where you’ll find yourself from time to time as you try your best to be “helpful and supportive” to your pregnant partner, her wants and needs, and all things Baby. This Dud Zone is the ideal of “selflessness” taken to the extreme. You’ll know you’ve gone too far in this noble endeavor when you are feeling defeated and ungrounded, longingly hoping for any and everything that just involves you and your priorities. You failed here in teaming up as a partner by going to far and turning yourself into a servant.

Ta da! Here’s where your Sacred Individuality comes into play, and your chart from Post 4: Dude Zone Core Items and Options is right there to be referenced. Pull out that chart and take a look at all the things that you highlighted as fundamental to your “Real You.” What Core Item activities could you make a point to engage in? What Social Connections have you neglected that nourish you? Where have you gotten away from your Self Care essentials?

Here's the easy part. Look at your immediate week ahead and make time to invest some of your TME in one item from each category, in the minimum meaningful amount, at some point over the next seven days, starting ASAP. Even if it’s just one beer after work tomorrow with one of your buddies, make it happen! You need to take back control of your some of your life here, and your Sacred Individuality chart should show you some easy options for doing so.

Tip 2: Getting out of Jerkville

Jerkville is on the other side of the path from Wimpytown, and is where you find the guys that have held on to their Dude Zone lives too long and end up “following their own path” straight into selfishness. These guys have correctly noted that they aren’t the pregnant ones and/or Baby won’t be here for a few more months. Buuuut, they’ve been missing the opportunity to focus their energy on getting better connected to Mama and better prepared for Baby and have instead doubled down on Dude Zone activities, or even worse, taken on a new “I gotta be me” mantra as an unhealthy contraction away from the ever-increasing Family Responsibilities demands coming their way. They’ve failed in teaming up and have instead turned away from Mama entirely.

Anger, frustration, and resentment are the main feelings here, as well as a reasonable fear of loss of autonomy and freedom. And again, you will most likely visit Jerkville, at least internally, many times as the pregnancy journey progresses, and often after Baby arrives as well if you haven’t figured out how to manage your personal Dad Zone Thriving equation. But what about when you find yourself dabbling too long in Jerkville and want to reorient towards the Dad Zone? Which way do you turn?

Ta da! Here’s where your Us Time w/Mama chart comes into play. Take a look at that chart and see where and how you and Mama have really connected in the past. Where have you previously grown and nurtured your connections with each other? Where have you felt sincerely seen and appreciated, reflected the same back to Mama, and really felt deeply into the “we space” of your relationship together?

Here's the not-so-tricky part. Looking at that chart, where do you see an easy opportunity to engage in one of those activities together soon? And not just as a single activity, but as part of a bigger plan for an afternoon or evening where you can also team up together to plan for Baby’s arrival?

For example, say you and Mama both really like Mexican food and have enjoyed making a dinner out to enjoy it an established part of your “we space.” You can easily suggest to Mama that you go out to eat at one of your favorite spots as part of a bigger plan that also involves ANYTHING related to getting ready for Baby. It doesn’t even need to be a good Baby planning idea! Just ANYTHING that shows 1) you are thinking about Baby’s pending arrival, and 2) you want to team up with her to plan for it.

And FYI, you get A LOT of bonus points by explicitly owning your recent trip to Jerkville as well here. No need to apologize if you don’t think its warranted, but even a simple “Hey, I know I’ve been a bit distant lately, it’s just that all this pregnancy stuff has felt a bit overwhelming. But I’m excited about being a Dad soon, and even more excited about sharing this adventure with you” will go a long way to here.

Tip #3: Clearing a path to Dad Zone Thriving

My final tip here is not so much a move, using a martial arts metaphor, as it is a stance. One that allows you to more easily make any number of moves with more efficiency and effectiveness. This stance idea I’ll share with you here not only helps you better navigate the path to Dad Zone Thriving (our ultimate goal) but it also helps you better avoid getting snarled in those Dud Zones in the first place. And perhaps more importantly for many of you, it helps you recognize when you’re in them more easily, and then gets you out of them quicker too.

Thinking of the stance metaphor should automatically orient your attention to your feet and legs. Whether it’s a martial art form, playing short stop, or addressing a golf ball, getting into the right stance first is your fundamental goal. The right stance sets you up to make good moves when the action happens, and the wrong stance prevents you from doing so.

The proper stance for finding Dad Zone Thriving starts with having one foot planted firmly in your zone of Sacred Individuality. Think of this as your back foot when getting ready to drive a golf ball, your baseball batting stance, or any fighting stance. This is where you establish your foundation, and also where you get your power and flexibility from.

With your back foot firmly set in the Sacred Individuality portion of your former Dude Zone you should have easy access to those most important priorities from your chart of Core Items, Social Connections, and Self Care activities. Being able to root down into them from time to time keeps that connection to core identity alive and connected. And that connection will both ground you and nourish you as the Dad Zone challenges mount.

The second part of proper stance is to have your other foot, the front foot, loosely planted in the zone of Family Responsibilities. I say loosely because this foot is the one that needs to float around, move from task to task, and be easily shifted to engage with the ever-changing demands coming your way. Again, thinking back to our sports metaphors, that front foot needs to be able to move quickly, and in all 3 dimensions, to help you react and respond to the next thing asked of you.

This proper stance of having your back foot anchored in your Sacred Individuality and your front foot in the realm of Family Responsibilities should make you both strong and nimble as you get deeper into the Dad Zone. By keeping your legs active and both feet moving quickly around their respective areas you should soon find a nice rhythm here, one that energizes and inspires you.

Finding this rhythm can transform your whole experience of your journey to the Dad Zone into more of a dance. One filled with sincere joy and deep appreciation for what Fatherhood brings. Even better is when you can invite Mama into this dance with you.

**Hopefully this 8-part series has given you a basic tour of the Dude Zone to Dad Zone adventure and given you some tools and techniques to help make that journey a bit easier for you, and for Mama too. I offer a variety of WTF Coaching packages to help you navigate these challenges with more ease and success. The most popular one is a simple 1 hour Dad Zone Thriving Mapping exercise. We go over your Dude Zone and Us Time charts together and spend time anticipating how the Dud Zones are likely to manifest in your life. Most importantly we highlight some Early Warning Signs that alert you when you may be crossing over into Dud Zone territory and get plans in place with clear and easy to follow Action Steps to help reorient you to the Dad Zone.

Contact me HERE to set up a free Discovery Call to see if WTF Coaching might be a good fit for you!**