Supporting Dads through delivery in these Covid times

I’ve been getting quite a few questions these days coming from all directions about how best to support birthing families in these weird Covid times where all the birthing options seem to come with changing conditions and shifting protocols. In some parts of the country birthing facilities are wide open and are allowing the usual friends, family, and birth team into the delivery room with Mama. Yet in others it’s just Dad and one other person. And in others still it’s down to only one support person total! 

This last scenario of “pick one” is the most difficult because it leaves the birthing family with the hard decision of choosing either Dad or the Doula or Grandma or whoever else is the best support person for Mama. Most of the time Dad is the one who is side by side with Mama, and rightfully so. But for families that were relying on a more complete birth team, especially one including other birth professionals like Doulas and/or birth photographers, these restrictions can leave everybody feeling more anxiety and uncertainty about their role and how to succeed in it. 

And Dads often feel the most worried. As the Dad, how am I supposed to “watch the room” and track the overall vibe, AND focus on Mama 100% and not leave her side? Am I supposed to try to get some photos to help preserve the memories, or rub Mama’s back, or just hold her hand while I whisper words of support and encouragement? Any first time Dad is already going into the delivery room with lots of anxieties and worries, and being thrown in there all on his own with an earful of contradictory and conflicting directives only adds to them all. What’s a Dad to do?

My most succinct advice to all Dads heading into Labor & Delivery comes in the form of Big Idea #10 from my book Welcome To Fatherhood (WTF), and that is that your new mantra for this whole experience is “Be Attentive, Be Calm, Be Competent.” I’ll briefly break that down here and then dive a little deeper into it for those Dads working on their own with Mama or who otherwise have a less complete birth team than they would prefer.

Let’s look at that mantra again – “Be Attentive, Be Calm, Be Competent.” I want to first mention that almost all the guys that I work with come to me with some version of “what can I do to help my birthing partner?” And I want you notice the word “do” in that question because a lot of us guys default into a mindset where “helping = action.” This is fine, and a very effective way to go about most things. But not so much when it comes to being “helpful and supportive” during labor and delivery. My suggested mantra tries to reset that default equation for childbirth to “helping = paying attention to Mama.”

“Be Attentive” to Mama and both her verbal and non-verbal requests and cues. Watch her shoulders for lifting and contracting. Watch her jawline for clenching. Watch her brow for furrowing. Listen to her requests for help in changing positions. Listen to her breathing for cues of intensification. Listen to her observations or statements to see if a response from you may be helpful, and which one might best connect to her. Feel her grip pressure. Feel her back and shoulders for tension. And most important of all, feel into your love for her and her love for you and for your Baby who will be joining you soon. Being attentive to all these things is indeed a lot of “doing,” trust me on this.

“Be Calm.” It sounds obvious, right? But being calm is perhaps your most important job during delivery. Mama is going through a life-transforming experience here, and her energy and mood are likely to be all over the place. You being a dependably cool, calm, and collected presence that she can connect with and confidently rely on to be a stable touch point through her birthing journey is of immense value to her. Even though she may not even realize it during the more intense moments that childbirth often brings, she will be eternally grateful to the degree that your calmness was a presence that made things so much easier for her. And again, being calm throughout labor and delivery will definitely require plenty of active “doing” on your part, especially during those intense last moments before Baby arrives. 

Finally, the part that sounds like real action for us guys, “Be Competent.” Being competent looks very different during early contractions than it does in the middle of intense labor, and yet different again during the transition and again when Baby finally arrives. I spend a lot of time in WTF walking you through the how’s and what’s of this last part of the mantra as the childbirth journey unfolds. But for this short blog I’ll only focus on how I intentionally made this the 3rdand final part of the mantra. 

Being competent can only happen after being attentive to Mama and focusing your energy and love on her, and only from a place of steady grounded calmness. An inattentive and anxious person will absolutely not end up acting competently in almost any situation, and most definitely not as the main (or only!) support partner for a birthing person. On the flip side, an attentive and calm person will almost always act in a competent manner because the action is a response to an accurate assessment of what’s going on and coming from a place of grounded calmness. So, “Be Competent” primarily means circling back to making sure you are being attentive and being calm. See what I did there? 

Now, the deeper dive for those guys going into delivery on their own or otherwise feeling anxious by stricter-than-expected birthing policies. Look at the first 2 parts of that mantra again – Be Attentive and Be Calm. You don’t need anybody else to do anything at all for those 2, right? No matter what your birthing team looks like, even if the “team” is now just you, you can still look at being attentive to Mama as your highest priority. The same goes for the second part of being calm. 

Assuming you have some professional assistance, whether it be a midwife at your home birth or an OB and 4 L&D nurses at the hospital or something in between, you’ll have at least one highly trained birth professional overseeing the childbirth. This leaves you free to focus all your love and attentive care on Mama, and doing so from a place of deep rooted calmness magnifies your positive impact by a factor of 10x. The last part of being competent will come naturally with guidance from your birth professional, from Mama, and from your own emerging Dad powers. 

Finally, almost all the Doulas I’ve worked with have shifted to offer virtual support via Zoom or Facetime or whatever to allow them to still connect with you and Mama in the delivery room when they can’t be there in person. Please take them up on this offer, and if you haven’t done so already, remember WTF’s Dad Tip #7 – Dude, Hire a Doula! 

A Doula’s warm presence, wise counsel, and reassuring perspective will definitely make both your and Mama’s birthing journey a lot easier, and this is just as true when they are only present virtually as it is when they are there in person. And getting one on your team is perhaps the best way for you to set yourself up for succeeding in your embodiment of your new childbirth mantra – Be Attentive. Be Calm. Be Competent. All of those are easier to do with a Doula at your side, trust me on this one too.