Baby’s ultimate arrival here Earthside is a momentous occasion, and for many of the men I work with it brings a whole slew of unforeseen impacts on their relationship with Mama. Obviously, they knew that “things would be different” once Baby gets here, but many of them imagined that the “different” would take place all at once and that all the “things” would soon settle into a new stable place, just “different” than before. Nope.

It turns out that not only are things “different” than they were during, and of course, before pregnancy, but that things are “different” today than they were yesterday, and almost every day going forward now! “Different than yesterday” is the new “stable reality,” and the challenge of adapting to and meeting the daily challenges of continuous difference is never ending.

These constant differences in day to day life tend to go from just challenging-but-workable to constantly overwhelming when left to fester in the unspoken space of different expectations between new Dads and new Mamas, and how each partner is working with them.

For example, many Dads I speak with are frustrated and exhausted from the carousel of trying-and-missing when attempting to figure out how to connect with their partners in meaningful ways. Trying to “give Mama some space,” or “tag in on Baby,” or simply trying to “make time to talk about life outside of Baby management” can all easily lead to feelings of further estrangement. This is a terrible loop to be stuck in. The “rules” aren’t written, the penalties vary, and they feel like they aren’t doing enough and what they are doing is being done wrong. This is a terrible loop in which to be stuck.

And same goes for the new Mamas I connect with. I hear similar stories from them where they feel overwhelmed and overextended, mired in their own frustrations of the daily learning curve and feeling under-supported and under-appreciated in all that they do. They can’t seem to catch a break between what Baby needs, what they are trying to accomplish, and even simply adjusting to the powerfully transformative space of new Motherhood and what that means for their identity as a woman, as a parent, and as a partner.

Finding ways to meaningfully connect with their partners here is equally challenging for new Dads as it is for new Moms. The daily differences can quickly get each person out of touch with themselves and out of sync with the relationship between them. These are tricky times for sure, and each person and couple will find their own unique path forward through them.

That being said, I’ll offer here one simple exercise that can really help clear the air and break some of the tension that might be existing within yourself or between you and your partner. I call this “Expectations met Reality, and Reality won.” The goal here is to simply name the expectations for new parenthood that you had, and then talk about how your experience has been different. Be careful not to make it about the other person, that won’t go well!

I’ve found that the best way to approach this is to try to find the most humorous examples of where you’ve been bewildered, surprised, or otherwise unprepared for certain experiences that you’ve had, the funnier and more self-deprecating, the better. For example, a recent client of mine shared that his expectation was that his Baby would be happy to see him every day when he got home from work, only to discover the reality that his newborn shrieks and cries every time he walks in the door and tries to hold her. “Why does my Baby hate me?” he plaintively asks, laughing the whole time.

Another client, a new Mama, expected to be awash in the glow of new motherhood. Her reality is that she feels, looks, and even acts like she did back in her college days – emotionally reactive, hair unkempt, and pizza boxes under the couch. “What the actual fuck?!?!” she laughed to me over a Zoom call. “I thought I left all that drama and messiness behind me, only to wake up today and find myself reliving it all over again, but with a new Baby in tow and extra anxiety about it all. This is bullshit! Where are all the glamorous Instagram pics I had planned?!?!” And again, she was chuckling away the whole time she was sharing these reflections with me.

These are the kind of honest reflections that can help you and your partner reconnect and rekindle the “we space” of your relationship together. Laughter really is the best medicine, especially when it helps ground us in reality and reorient ourselves to working with it directly rather than wondering why are expectations aren’t magically coming true.