Last week we talked about the necessity of identifying and then preserving your Sacred Individuality as you go along your pregnancy to parenthood journey. In WTF, I call this trip your journey from the Dude Zone to the Dad Zone. Ok, sounds great, but what exactly is this “Sacred Individuality” that you need to preserve? Who is the “real you” in question here? Great question! Let’s start where this journey begins, in the “Dude Zone,” and see what we can find.

 The Dude Zone is where every guy is hanging out up until the moment that he sees that positive pregnancy test. Their priorities usually start with partner and job, but then spread widely out to include all kinds of relationships with friends, interests, hobbies, and passions. Many of these friendships and activities predate their career and/or relationship with Mama, and would continue to be important to them in the unfortunate events that either ended.

 For example, if you like playing golf and have made it a priority to get out to the course frequently in your past, then it stands to reason that you would keep (or even deepen) your commitments to playing if you got into a new relationship or new career field. Same goes for nurturing your preexisting friendships and spending time on your other interests. All of this non-Mama, non-career stuff makes up the real meat of the Dude Zone.  

 However, and this is where so many guys are mistaken, the Dude Zone life is not at all an area you will casually return to a few weeks after Baby’s arrival, “after things settle down a bit.” Nor is the correct approach to fight and try to stay fully plugged into in it as the pregnancy progresses.

This bad idea of trying to preserve your current relationship to the Dude Zone during the pregnancy journey, and/or aiming to return to it as soon as possible after Baby gets here, is the single biggest source of struggles and interpersonal drama that I see in my work, time and time again.

As I tell the guys I see in my Fatherhood coaching work, there is no bouncing back to the Dude Zone, only bouncing forward further into the Dad Zone. In other words, how to find balance between your Family Responsibilities and your Sacred Individuality is a living question that is constantly in play and in flux. It is not just a single question to be answered, but a challenge to be lived anew each day.

 What I recommend to you guys out there as a way to get started on good footing, wherever you are in the pregnancy to parenthood journey, is to first figure out the contours and contents of your own personal Dude Zone. In other words, do a very clear-eyed and critical audit and actually sit down to make a list of how you generally spend your time, money, and energy outside of your relationship to Mama and your career. All of these things combine to create your personal Dude Zone, and getting clear on the specifics of what they are is Step 1.

 Once you have a good sense of your personal Dude Zone you then begin to examine this list objectively and critically and ask yourself exactly how important these things actually are to you. Do you really deeply love playing golf? Or is it more of an occasion to hang out with your buddies, drink some beers, and generally enjoy a sunny afternoon?

Same with everything else on the list. How crucial are each of these things to you, and more importantly, which ones can more easily be seen as outdated, outgrown, or simply running on habit? How would rank them in importance to your identity today? Your past identity? And most importantly, for your future growth into Fatherhood?

I ask all of this because the Dad Zone is going to require a lot more from you when it comes to deepening your relationship with Mama along the pregnancy journey. Your challenges are then going to go to a whole new level once Baby gets here and you find yourself thrown into Parenthood too. Your relationships to all those Dude Zone things will indeed be strained, and wanting to stay just as connected to them then as you are now will be impossible.

That’s why I’m asking you to get ahead of all of that and set yourself (and Mama and Baby) up for a much easier transition into the Dad Zone. I want you learn how to thrive there, not just survive! Connecting to your Sacred Individuality is paramount to your thriving, but you have to find your core Dude Zone items first.

 Getting your personal Dude Zone life priorities clearly written out on an actual list right in front of you is a great first step in this process of discovering your Sacred Individuality, but is only the first step. Nex week we’ll continue on from here to see how to separate the “Sacred” from the merely circumstantial.