Introduction and Big Idea #1
Assuming that you are a Dad-to-be with a pregnant Mom-to-be in your life, let’s get right to the main issue that impacts every couple’s pregnancy journey from Day 1 onward. This issue is fundamental to the situation and is not changeable in any way shape or form.
While this may seem obvious, and will only become more obvious as the months go by and her belly gets bigger, the powerful and significant implications of this reality gap between you two are not obvious at all. You both know that she is on a different trajectory than you right now, and you want to do what you can to be helpful part of it, right? Well then, let’s talk about the same singular sentence that we see pretty much every pregnancy book, article, and website tell us guys when we ask what we can do about it – “Be more helpful and supportive.” No matter where we seem to turn for some wisdom or advice, we get that same tired trope thrown at us.
“Be more helpful and supportive!”
I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a saccharine, vague sentiment passed around as legitimate advice anywhere else in my life. Seriously, what the fuck does that actually mean? It’s not like all us Dads-to-be are running around being objectively unhelpful and unsupportive, right? So really, what does that pithy comment actually mean, and why does it seem that that’s the basic go-to advice that everybody gives to us Dads-to-be?
Well, first of all, most of those articles and books are written by other women, not guys like me who have actually been in the trenches and lived to tell about it. Second, like we just said a moment ago, it pretty much comes down to the fact that we aren’t the ones who are actually pregnant. And we aren’t the ones who are going to grow out of our regular body and all our clothes. And we aren’t the ones who are expected to push a watermelon-sized Baby out of a lemon-sized hole. So, yeah, there’s all that. And unfortunately, there really isn’t any direct way to physically assist your pregnant partner with those things. There’s also really no way we can ever possibly even begin to understand how any and all of that stuff actually feels like either. So, in order to be “helpful and supportive” we stumble about and try to do what we think makes sense-ish, sorta. We go out for random and peculiar food requests, we offer to carry heavy things, we paint the nursery and put together the crib and so forth.
But in spite of all these things we do, and countless others, there remains a fundamental distance and disconnect between Dads-to-be and Moms-to-be. This disconnect is real. When asked by their close friends about how us Dads-to-be are doing, so many pregnant Mamas sort of inhale, look aside, and then sadly mutter something like “well, he’s trying, BUT…”
What explains this HUGE disconnect between how us guys think we are doing and how our ladies are feeling about it?
Big Idea #1: Pregnancy turns your lady into an instant Mama. As it turns out, there is a phrase that quite accurately sums up the typical reality that many couples experience with their first pregnancy and childbirth. “Women become Mothers when they find out that they are pregnant, but men don’t become Fathers until the baby is born.” The truth behind that phrase is what drives this whole book. This time gap between women becoming Mothers and men becoming Fathers is the ultimate source and cause of the very real disconnect that many couples experience on their first journey from bump to baby. That time gap then snaps shut for many Dads as they stand there in shock holding their brand-new baby - “oh shit, I’m a Dad now, uh, now what?”. As I see it, that time gap is pretty much hard-wired into our genes as men and women, which we’ll get into in Chapter 1, but there are many hacks we can employ to shrink that gap down quite a bit.
This leads us to our first goal - being better connected to Mama on her journey from Maiden to Motherhood, and her feeling better connected to you along the way. Some of you guys might be thinking “Well, wait a minute, I’m feeling pretty dialed in over here. My lady and I are totally in sync!” To that I’d say “Great! But how do you think she feels about it?” Unfortunately, the vast majority of pregnant women don’t feel as connected to their partner as they would like to be. And on one hand that’s totally expected. As we mentioned above, she actually has a real baby growing inside of her, she is watching her body grow and bulge, she is feeling all kinds of feelings ranging from exhilarating joy to paralyzing anxiety to everywhere in between (often in the same minute). How could you possibly relate to all of that on any meaningful level? OF COURSE she is going to have moments of feeling totally all alone out in the wilderness! That’s unavoidable to some degree.
However, there are many simple tips, tricks, tools, and techniques that you can do to help bring the two of you closer together in spite of that distance. I’ll cover these throughout the book and you’ll be able to see the results of putting them to the test for yourself. Your partner may not even be aware of what you are doing half the time, but she’ll certainly be thinking about you with a smile on her face when her friends are asking her “so…. how is Baby Dada handling everything with the pregnancy?” when your name comes up. She’ll then be smiling even more when she hears about how some of her other pregnant friends feel way less helped and supported than she does on their journey because their Dude isn’t reading WTF (yet) and is still prioritizing all of his usual non-baby related Dude Zone interests and hobbies. It also feels pretty awesome when she squeezes your hand and smiles at you while she is telling all your friends and family members how great it is to have such a helpful and supportive partner along for the journey.
So, we’ll definitely be focused on the better connected bit in each and every chapter. And, since most of us guys tend to be more naturally oriented to the better prepared side of things, we’ll cover lots of ground in that territory also. And not just better prepared to become a Father, but better prepared for all of the specific challenges you’ll face along the way. We’ll get you better prepared for such things as gift registries, OB/Midwife appointments, car seats and strollers, birth classes, Doulas, birth plans, baby names and many other things you have probably never ever thought about one bit. Don’t worry man, I got you covered!
