Big Idea #8 – Teamwork, Team Up vs Team Out
Understand the crucial difference between “teaming up” and “teaming out.”
Pause for a minute and consider – how often have you seen a men’s synchronized swimming competition? How about all male dance teams? Never? Why do you think that is the case? In our current culture many women’s basic understanding of teamwork is something like “let’s do this thing over here together, you know, like a team!” And this is obviously a perfectly true and reasonable understanding of teamwork, which we’ll refer to from now on as “team up.” However, many men’s basic understanding of teamwork is more like “I’ll do this over here and you do that over there, you know, divide and conquer, like a team!” For our purposes here we’ll call his definition “team out” to separate it from her definition of “team up”. These significant differences of what it means to “work as a team” are all well and good as long as each of you is clearly communicating what your specific needs, wants, and expectations are in any given situation.
However, Mama is probably already going to be feeling all kinds of ways about “being alone” in her pregnancy as regards your role in it, and is most likely going to be looking for opportunities to create a genuine felt sense of “teamwork” with you by asking you to “team up” and do things with her. This dynamic is the main one at work here, and she is actually asking “Will you team up with me in planning for our baby?” so listen carefully for that element underneath the specific tasks that she is mentioning. That question should be pretty easy to hear when you listen to her requests with an ear for it, and therefore pretty easy to say “yes, great idea!” to it, regardless of the surface content. Dad Zone, straight ahead!
Most of these “teamwork opportunities” to better connect with Mama are going to involve discussing and/or shopping options for all things baby-related, such as the aforementioned car seats, strollers, cribs, room themes, etc.… Getting some better prepared Dad Card credits will be super easy if you are thinking along these lines of “teaming up”. Misunderstanding the differences between “teaming up” vs “teaming out” can be a big and ongoing source of conflict for couples in these areas so I’ll spend a few pages going over some typical scenarios and give you some extra tips on navigating them successfully and avoiding the Dud Zones. Remember, the patterns of teamwork that you are establishing and strengthening now are going to be very important foundations for your upcoming parenting adventures, so its 100% worth it to spend a little extra time and attention now on building good ones!
The challenges, or Dud Zone traps as I like to call them, in these “team up” scenarios may be extensive. Navigating them successfully is an important part of your future success, however, so I’ll go over a few of them individually and in some detail to help you see what’s in front of you here. A key dynamic to look for and understand ties back to addressing B5 (Anxiety) and its push to DO SOMETHING. In fact, “teaming up” and doing pretty much anything that releases that energy is good, while not doing something will cause it to build up and eventually explode. At you. Plus, “teaming up” to go do things is a huge part of better connecting to Mama here, and assuming you do something somewhat constructive, it is a better prepared hit too. Win-win, $ka-ching$
Challenge 1: Many men find it hard to seriously focus on such things as car seats and strollers when the baby won’t be here for several more months. For example, it’s December here in Colorado as I write this and I guarantee you the percentage of men that are actively shopping for lawn mowers, patio furniture, or anything else that they won’t be using until May or June is pretty close to zero. Now imagine how these men’s wives and partners would respond if the men all of a sudden started really pressing their wives and partners on the urgency of getting those lawn mowers and patio furniture purchased really soon “so we get that taken care of!” Those women would probably look at their men like they had sprouted an extra head out of their shoulders! “Honey, WHAT are you talking about? There is a foot of snow on the ground and the grass is all dead and won’t even begin to start growing for at least 4 months! WHY are we talking about lawnmowers right now?!” Seems pretty silly when we reframe these conversations, right? Nevertheless, and as mentioned a moment ago, that B5 (Anxiety) energy is pushing her to JUST DO SOMETHING. Getting things like the car seat, stroller, and nursery themes figured out SOON is going to be a very real thing for her. And she absolutely needs you to “team up” with her on these things. And now, not later.
Challenge #2: Many men aren’t going to have very strong preferences about all these things. At all. I can’t tell you how many dudes have basically and sincerely said “Honey, I really couldn’t give a hoot about the color of the car seat insert or the whether the nursery theme is giraffes or elephants, you pick.” That’s reasonable, it is indeed hard to pretend that you care about something when you don’t. It’s also fair to be concerned about overly influencing a decision about such things when you think that the other person is much more invested in it than you are. However, this is part of your journey to the Dad Zone. Your new understanding of how to better connect with Mama and be a good “teammate” here means that you will both be better served by you reorienting to wanting her to feel helped and supported during her pregnancy and these choices. That means putting some effort into at least having helpful discussions about the above choices and decisions, or at least staying out of the Dud Zones of Wimpytown and Jerkville with your responses. I’ll help you out on this one – tell her you like the grey car seat liner better (hides milk stains easier), you like the bigger wheeled strollers (easier to go over curbs), you like the cribs with the adjustable front bars (no need to constantly bend way over a stationary crib bar for the first few months when the baby can’t even roll over, much less plot an escape), and you prefer elephants to giraffes because you can make funny elephant impressions but you have no idea what a giraffe sounds like. ☺
Challenge #3: You really have NO FUCKING IDEA what to put on the baby registry or really anything else about what the baby might need, and also don’t really have the interest or bandwidth to even begin to go down that particular rabbit hole. That’s perfectly fine and extremely common for Dads-to-be. But again, you don’t need to actually do all that much here to earn some easy Dad Card credits in these areas. First, keep in mind that you aren’t actually responsible for figuring out and making all the “right” choices on these things. You are, however, 100% responsible for being present for those conversations and trips to the Baby Store and attempting to be helpful and supportive when discussing some of the options and ideas that come up. This is all about staying out of the Dud Zones of Wimpytown and Jerkville and helping Mama feel better connected to you during this journey, and much less about making the absolute best decision for Baby’s registry items.
These 3 challenges can be summed up in a simple sentence most men have uttered at least one time by this point of the pregnancy journey – “I really don’t know anything about these things, I also really don’t have any strong preferences about them, and why are we even talking about them right now, Baby won’t even be here for another 5 months!” All true, but not in line with getting to the Dad Zone and the helpful and supportive lens through which she is judging you, nor in line with our mantra here of better connected to Mama and better prepared for Baby.
Alright, given the above is our common starting point, let’s go through a hypothetical example of how this idea of “teaming up” vs “teaming out” might play out. We’ll pull out a dude from one of my workshops, Bob, and his wife Agnes. They just found out at the 20-week ultrasound that they are going to have a little girl. Agnes is now all set and ready to go on the nursery project, but doesn’t want to go the all-pink route that her friend Michelle did with her baby girl last year. Agnes also doesn’t want go with blue and then deal with all the stupid questions about why she picked blue for boy when she is having a girl. Therefore, this weekend she wants to head over to Lowes and look at paint options in shades of green, yellow, and purple. She is also now ready to complete the baby registry process at BuyBuyBaby, and also wants to check out some baby-wearing devices that her friends have recommended. Agnes obviously wants to hear Bob’s thoughts and feelings on all of the above so she suggests they “team up” and go check these things out this coming Saturday afternoon right after their usual brunch out with friends.
Bob’s first thoughts were “What? Spend all afternoon looking a paint chips and teething rings and miniature socks that barely fit on my thumb? Ugh, I’d rather go get a root canal or rectal exam.” Some guys might then just sort of fall into Wimpytown and slump their shoulders in defeat and, in the interest of being helpful and supportive, say something like “uh, sure babe, whatever you want” as they reluctantly watch their plans slip away. Other guys might go the other way to Jerkville and then get defensive and/or miss the bigger picture and say something like “uh, no way, I don’t really care about those things so why don’t you go by yourself and pick whatever you want.” Dud Zone alert! Neither of those responses are doing much to build up any Dad Card credits!
But not Bob, he’d been learning about “teaming up vs teaming out” and was ready to step up. Let’s remember the 3 challenges I detailed above – why are we worrying about these things now; I really don’t care if the nursery is yellow or green; and I don’t really know anything about teething rings and 5 different kinds of bottle warmers… It was important for Bob’s own sanity to allow himself a few seconds to have these thoughts and just recognize them as true-for-him. But then he quickly pushed those reactionary thoughts aside and looked at the bigger picture of his aspirations for the Dad Zone. What’s the real goal here? Bob quickly pivots back to his bigger plan of getting better connected and realizes that what Agnes might be really asking him is just to “team up” with her and get involved in these decisions as her “teammate” in this pregnancy. But wait, Bob won’t then just agree to go with her right away! Here’s his chance to continue to practice his B6 (Mom Comms). He needs to think about how he can look at this situation to better connect with Mama, get some Dad Card credits, and to earn himself a few in the Man Card department here too. Here are some possible responses for him to consider, each looking to get a different kind of win-win for everybody out of this situation.
Response 1: “Sure babe, sounds great, it will be nice to get started on those things now that we know our little baby is a girl! But let’s swing back home from brunch first so I can work on my garage project for a bit and so you can rest or grab a nap. We can then maybe head out around 3 or so and then hit up Outback Steakhouse (or wherever) for dinner afterwards.” Win-win, $ka-ching$.
Response 2: “Sure babe, sounds great, it will be nice to get started on those things now that we know our little baby is a girl! And good idea for going Saturday right after brunch, I’m really looking forward to watching the game on Sunday afternoon so it’s better that we go on Saturday instead and get things going.” Win-win, $ka-ching$.
Response 3: “Sure babe, sounds great, it will be nice to get started on those things now that we know our little baby is a girl! But let’s go Sunday instead? I’m planning on golfing Saturday afternoon with the guys and don’t want to rush through anything. And if we go Sunday then we can make a point to hit up that new Ramen noodle joint for dinner that you mentioned last week too!” Win-win, $ka-ching$.
Now let’s break down those responses for a minute to see what’s happening there. All 3 start with the same sentence that accomplishes several things. First, Bob is immediately affirming Agnes’ request to do something now to prepare for the baby. This addresses and calms whatever her underlying concerns might be about not doing something. Second, and more importantly, Bob is showing her that he is fully committed to being better connected to her and ready to “team up” for action. Both parts can immediately diffuse any underlying B5 (Anxiety) that might be driving this request and directly support our goal of getting better connected to Mama. And again, he is giving an enthusiastic “Yes!” to the real question underneath the specifics, which is “will you ‘team up’ with me in planning for the baby?” This is a critical point to get very clear on as it will play out time and time again over the next year. It’s a good idea to start to train yourself to look for that theme of “teaming up” underneath the surface of the specifics of Mama’s various requests and suggestions. The better you get at catching that underlying theme, the better you’ll get at saying “yes” to that question and get Dad Card credits while also being able to work the specifics of her request into your preexisting Man Card plans that create wins for both of you. Win-win, $ka-ching$!
Bob’s possible responses then vary considerably in what follows his “yes, and…” but the theme shown in each is that he is now working Agnes’ requested trip to Lowes and BuyBuyBaby into his own weekend plans in a way where he isn’t necessarily losing out on something that is important to him as the “cost” of being a “good teammate.” He gets to keep his preexisting plans intact (and earn Man Card credits) and can then parlay that trip out to include a stop at a tasty restaurant that he has been thinking about recently. This is more credit he’s building in his Dad Card account, just like when you skillfully use your partner’s favorite Love Languages, credit that you can cash in later for all the things that you want to do that counts as “you time,” be it hitting up the bar with your buddies or knocking back a few beers on the couch watching the game. Bolster your Man Card and Dad Card credits at the same time. Bob ended up going with option 1 and got some free time in the garage and a steak dinner with a bloomin’ onion out of the deal. Be like Bob! Win-win, $ka-ching$
