Dad Tip #14 – Code Words are Key

Figure out your “Code Words” for Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light and start practicing them now. “Code Words? Uh, what are you talking about?” I’m talking about you and Mama figuring out some low-key Code Words to use in front of other people to subtly help you both get on the same page about when things are good (green light), when they start to need to wrap up soon (yellow light), and when they need to be shut down as soon as possible (red light).

Your now-very-pregnant partner will likely at times have extremely limited energy for small talk with neighbors, chats with total strangers about her giant belly, and/or interest in staying at a friend’s dinner party much past 8pm. A great way to for you to continue to move into the Dad Zone, better connect to Mama during these last weeks of pregnancy, and better prepare for the post-baby chaos and influx of visitors into your home is to develop your own set of Code Words to use with each other when checking in on her fluctuating energy levels and interests. My wife and I settled on Avocado for green light, Lemon for yellow, and Tomato for red. Here’s a few examples of how we put the Code Words to use:

Scene 1 – We are out for an early dinner with friends we hadn’t seen in a while. My wife, in her 38th week of the pregnancy, was excited and feeling up for that outing earlier in the day, but as dinner went on, she started feeling extra tired and just wanted to go home and rest. Rather than suddenly blurting out loud “hey, I don’t feel great, we need to leave pretty soon”, thereby creating a bit of confusion in myself and our friends about how fast we need to wrap up and/or if she was going into labor or something, she just casually pinched my leg under the table as she asked the waiter for some lemon for her water. I got her drift and within a few minutes had told our friends that we actually needed to skip dessert and get back home so that Jenn could get some extra rest. Everything was cool, my wife wasn’t left feeling like the party pooper for needing to cut things short, and I got to look like the helpful and supportive caring husband. Win-win, $ka-ching$.

Scene 2 – We had walked up to the aforementioned ice cream shop a few blocks from our house one evening for a tasty desert. My wife was now 40 weeks pregnant, feeling HUGE and uncomfortable and generally not happy with pretty much anything other than the thought of chocolate ice cream with some strawberries on it. Not being the pregnant one, I was doing great, but also somewhat oblivious to her degree of discomfort (not unusual ☺). We got to the ice cream shop and saw a medium length line of about 20 people in front of us, not surprising because it was a hot August evening in Omaha. An older couple got in line behind us and started trying to chat with us, beginning with “Oh dear, I hope you don’t have that baby right here in the ice cream shop!” I thought that was kind of funny and chuckled as I replied “Me too! I don’t want to wait in line for 30 minutes and then not get any ice cream out of the deal.” They thought that was quite humorous, but one look at Jenn made it pretty clear that she was NOT AMUSED with any of it.

I quickly regrouped, gathered my thoughts and said, “Hey babe, why don’t you just grab a seat on that bench in the shade across the street and put together our grocery list while I get our ice cream. I know we need tomatoes for sure, but I’ll think about what else we might need while I wait in line for both of us.” She glared at me a second, thinking that I was maybe putting her in time-out or something, but then got my drift and softly said, “oh, right, tomatoes, good idea babe” and happily went over to the bench, off her feet, and out of the spotlight, while I chit-chatted with the older couple about silly baby names until I got our ice cream. Win-win, $ka-ching$!

Scene 3 – We had been out at the neighborhood pool for an early evening dip and we were just drying off and packing up to head back home when some friends walked in. Jenn had just mentioned to me that she wasn’t feeling all that great, so as the friends were walking up to us to say “hi” I immediately mentioned to them that it was too bad we couldn’t stay any longer and we were on our way out. Jenn then said “hey babe, do you know if we have any avocados at home? I want to make some fresh guacamole later on when we leave.” She then turned to our friends and told them how nice it was to see them, etc.… I paused, confused for a second, then remembered the Code Words and shifted my conversation to how I too was glad they walked in and would actually love to visit with them for a little while before we head home. Win-win, $ka-ching$.

These all are some easy examples where one of us dropping a quick Code Word helped us both stay on the same page about my wife’s changing mood and energy, and allowed me to help adjust our circumstances to match them more easily than I would have otherwise. Of course, my wife is a grown-ass woman and is more than capable of speaking up directly in the above circumstances, and any other that we might be in as well. However, very pregnant ladies (and brand-new Mamas!) are often tired of being the “bad guy” and always wanting to go home early, sit on benches by themselves, or answer questions about how their mood and energy can shift so quickly. These Code Words allow you to move further into the Dad Zone, be better connected to Mama, and work as a team in social circumstances, all things that will be MUCH more important after Baby comes in a few weeks!