Build Trust & credibility by closing Action Gaps

I have a blog up over on my Catalyst Executive Coaching site where I relay a story illustrating how one’s personal credibility and integrity comes down to clarifying commitment and backing it up with action. In other words, closing the gap between words and actions. Obviously, this is a dynamic to be vitally aware of when it comes to developing one’s leadership skills in professional settings. However, as I covered in last week’s blog post here, I would say that your credibility and integrity are even more important when it comes to thriving in the Dad Zone, especially when reaching that higher ground can be seen as deeply dependent on the quality of your relationship with Mama. What can you do to identify and then close any of these action gaps in your life?

 Here are a few tips for you to consider when trying to thrive in the Dad Zone by balancing your need to have integrity with yourself alongside your desires to be a credible and trustworthy partner to Mama.

 1)    Avoid feigning interest in something as a way to get partial credit. This is a common mistake many new and expectant Dads make when asked to do something they really don’t want to do, especially if they are using it as a cover story to buy time knowing they will back out later. Saying “Sure, that sounds good” in the moment may get you temporary partial credit, but you lose all of that credit and more when you back out later. Done repeatedly, this move will seriously damage your credibility and Mama’s trust in your word. THAT is a huge problem that is not easily fixed.

 Instead, first quickly check in with yourself and listen to what’s been explicitly asked along with what might be the real question underneath it. Often times the real question is “Will you team up with me in preparing for/managing our Baby?” Even if the spoken question is absolutely unappealing, like going to Buy Buy Baby for the 4th weekend in a row, you may feel a bit differently by orienting to the real question underneath about teaming up.

 Second, DO NOT commit to a “yes” unless you plan to actually honor it with willful action when the time comes to do so. Anything short of “yes” should be communicated accurately, with plenty of leeway on how to do so. Acceptable answers here include “Hmm, let me think about it,” “Maybe, can I get back to you later with a firm answer?”, and “There was talk with the guys about meeting up to hang out and that plan hasn’t been finalized yet. Let me check in with them later and I’ll get back to you.”

 Finally, if after steps 1 and 2 above you realize you are in fact a hard “no,” then you are obligated to communicate that clearly to Mama. The short term disappointment she may express is better for you and your relationship with her than the long term damage that comes from disappointing her later by backing out.

 *A pro move to consider here is to follow up your “no” with a better suggestion for teaming up in a different way that does work for you. For instance, using the Buy Buy Baby example from above, you could say something like “Honey, I really can’t go back there again for the 4th weekend in a row, so my answer to that question is simply ‘No.’ How about we go to Lowes instead and figure out a good paint color for the nursery?”

 Regardless of your response, the important thing to be clear on here is that everything you say can and will be used against you if you try to fudge through the question in the moment only to bail on the event later. The best strategy is to focus on making sure your verbal commitment lines up 100% with your actions.

2)    When you are the one to communicate your availability/unavailability for something that directly involves Mama, do so clearly and carefully with the awareness that you are putting your word, and integrity, at stake. Do not say you’ll finish a task or be back sooner than you intend to when heading out with the idea that you can just deal with it later. So many guys make this mistake! They think that getting agreement or consent from Mama in the moment is more important than is building trust over the long term.

 For example, one of my new Dad clients would habitually tell his partner, a stay-home Mama with a new Baby, that he would be home from work at 5:30. As the afternoon wore, on he would become aware that he was probably going to be late but didn’t want to call or text her and risk getting in a fight about it. Instead, he would just wait until he was leaving the office and then send the standard “Sorry, but I’m just leaving now, see you soon!” text in hopes that his imminent arrival would override her frustration of him being late and/or not letting her know sooner. What he failed to appreciate was the fact that every day he wasn’t home at the prescribed time, and hadn’t warned her earlier, that he was losing her trust and respect.

 Once he realized that his long term problems were only increasing as a result of his short term avoidance strategies he decided on a new plan. After our coaching session discussing the problem, he told his wife the following: “I’ll always try to leave the office by 5 at the latest, but sometimes things come up in the afternoon that I need to finish before I leave. What I’m going to do going forward is text you at 4 with a realistic time I plan to leave, and then follow that up with an “I’m on my way” text when I actually leave. If things get crazy and I know I’ll be staying later, I’ll text you in the moment so you can plan accordingly.”

 This strategy allowed him to focus on keeping his professional integrity intact by getting his work done at the office, keeping his personal integrity intact by not perpetually breaking promises with his wife, and build more trust with her by matching his actions with his words. Dad Zone Thriving in action!

 *An important clarification here is that the issue isn’t about what exact time he was actually getting home, it was about him saying a specific time and then not actually getting home then. This distinction is the crux of the issue – matching your word with your actions, not just worrying about being “in trouble” or upsetting your partner. I can’t emphasize this point too much. Your long term integrity is more important than her temporary feelings.

 3)    Finally, look for opportunities to create shared agreements around plans, processes with Baby (such as ways to hold, feed, change, or otherwise care for Baby), and other areas where you are performing clearly observable actions. The point here is to set yourself up for success by creating iron clad links between what you say you are going to do and what you actually do when the time comes. The stronger you connect your words with your actions, the more Mama can trust you to be the dependable partner and co-parent she needs.

 These things can be very simple. For example, next time you want to run out to the store add at least 15 – 30 minutes to your timeline that you imagine and make a point to clearly communicate to Mama when you will be back. Whatever else you do, make sure you are back at or before the time you told her! Another opportunity is to ask her what she thinks is the best way to get Baby in the stroller, and then do it exactly that way, every time.

 It is always smart to build more credibility with Mama during these trying months of pregnancy and early parenthood, and closing your action gaps is the surest way forward. These tips may sound a bit silly, but creating experiences for Mama to see your action matching your words as often as possible is the best way to build trust, deepen your relationship, and smooth out the path to Dad Zone Thriving.

In fact, it would be fair to say that building as much credibility and trust in the relationship should be your top priority as you head towards the Dad Zone. After all, the tagline of Welcome To Fatherhood is better connected, better prepared. What better way to do both than to deepen and strengthen the relationship at every step along the way?