the Leader of vs A leader IN
A few weeks back I wrote an article over on my Catalyst site about some of the crucial differences in mindsets between those who view themselves as THE Leader OF something vs those who view themselves as A Leader IN something. While that piece was aimed at working professionals looking to develop their leadership skills and capacity in the workplace, several readers suggested that this same distinction is very helpful to keep in mind when it comes to relationships as well and suggested that I put something hear for you guys.
To briefly recap that piece, I made 3 key distinctions on how thinking about Leadership in terms of IN is much more impactful for all parties than thinking in terms of Leadership OF.
1) “The Boss” vs Leader – The Boss wants power over and imagines themselves above, beyond and apart from the team. True Leaders understand that they are a part of the team and aspire to share power with their teammates as the team’s total effort is what builds success.
2) Relate FROM vs Relate TO – Bad leaders try to relate from external things like degrees, titles, or positions to justify their power claims. They use these external reference points as crutches or shorthand in their efforts to instill directives or push things forward. Wiser leaders may indeed have the same external reference points but relate to them differently. Rather than wave these externals around to assert power over, they instead utilize what they may have learned in the process of getting those externals in their efforts to effectively communicate with their teammates the how’s, whys, and what’s of their thinking.
3) Challenge & Support – Many bad leaders with the Leadership OF mindset spend a lot of time challenging their team, but not much at all in support of them. When the tables are turned, however, they expect things to shift the other way and ask for a lot of support but don’t tolerate much in the way of challenge. Those Leaders with the healthier Leadership IN mindset, however, approach this dynamic very differently. Sure, they still provide challenge to their teams as needed, but are much more focused on how they can support the team in reaching its goals. And when it comes to receiving feedback, they often are explicitly seeking challenges so that they can better identify areas of potential growth and improvement. Of course, they appreciate the support as well, but generally prefer to spend more time getting good constructive feedback instead.
How does this relate to you?
I’d like to look at your relationship with Mama as the perfect place for you to put sincere effort into showing up with the Leadership IN mindset. You guys are a team here and will be forever be engaged in the collaborative effort of raising your children. All teams benefit when folks show up with the Leader IN mindset, and tend to suffer if both (or neither) partner shows up instead with the Leader OF version. Here are those same 3 distinctions from above, but tweaked to focus on benefits to you and Mama by you showing up with the Leader IN mindset.
1) Being a Leader IN your relationship starts with you understanding that you are a crucial part of this very small team of 2. Your individual and collective goals will be better served in the long run by you embracing your role here and looking for meaningful ways to share power when working together to accomplish those goals.
DON’T try to be “The Boss” and look to assert power over Mama by communicating from a place apart from her and the relationship. That “Father knows best” ideal needs to stay in the dustbin of history where it belongs.
2) Being a Leader IN your relationship requires you to relate from your perspective, education, financial savviness, or other areas where you might have more external experiences than Mama and use that experience to more effectively communicate withher when sharing your understanding of things and/or articulation of goal setting ideas or plans.
DON’T try to wave your degree, position, or salary around as justifications for your opinions as ways to assert power over Mama. Again, this bad stereotype of Dad waving the power of the purse or status of professional pedigree around needs to go away for good.
3) Being a Leader IN your relationship means that you actively focus on providing a lot more support than challenge TO Mama, especially in those early Postpartum months. And conversely, it requires that you be much more receptive to her challenges or constructive critiques when it comes to her perspective. Obviously, us guys are people too, and I’ll be the first to say we need A LOT more support as new Fathers than we are currently getting. But asking new Mamas to see beyond their own challenges and focus on giving us support can be a really big ask, especially if she is feeling lost and overwhelmed by her own struggles.
In conclusion, Fatherhood, and partnership with Mama as parents, is an awesome place for you to strive to show up as A Leader IN the relationship to the best of your ability. This is a great example of where you have some amazing opportunities each and every day to manifest and embody healthy masculinity and help move the ball forward for all of us. At the end of the day, Leadership IN comes down to leading by example. And what better way to approach Fatherhood than as opportunity to do so for your children?
