New Baby, Who dis?

Baby’s arrival here Earthside and grand welcome into the family is truly a life changing event for all you Dads out there. And not because you’re officially a Dad now, nor because of how impressed and inspired you may have been by witnessing and supporting Mama through childbirth. Not even because of how you may be surprised or even overwhelmed by how much your heart might have burst open with so much deep love for both of them coming through the events of childbirth.

 For so many new Dads I see in my work, the truly life-changing impact of Baby’s arrival turns out to be the pure permanent process of everything constantly changing, and the inescapable nature of this dynamic. As I tell all the guys I see, there is no “bouncing back” to your pre-Dad life, only bouncing forward into the great unknown.

 Bouncing forward into to your new Dad life can be an extremely tricky adjustment. For many guys, especially those who keep imagining that things will “settle down soon,” the difficulty only increases as time goes on. Obviously, part of the issue here is that Baby is growing and changing and constantly needs love, attention, and support. And while this facet of the challenge was expected, the day to day reality of constantly being “on call” to show up and parent as best you can is difficult can be very hard to integrate into what you used to call your normal life. This being said, however, orienting to Baby and their constantly shifting needs is actually the much easier part of the puzzle to solve.

 The much harder part of it all is coming to proper terms with the fact that your previous relationship with Mama is over. Done. Kaput. The real task at hand here is to build a newer (and better) relationship with Mama in your new roles together as co-parents. And the real kicker? Neither of you is the same person you were a year ago pre-Baby, and you’re both noobies trying to find your way through the land of early parenthood.

 But wait, there’s more! This already challenging task is further complicated by the fact that your partner is now fully and officially a Mama, and that total transformation of her being was most likely waaay more epic than your journey into Fatherhood. Afterall, and as I’m sure you’ve been reminded about a million times by now, she did in fact grow and birth a Baby.

 While this new identity of hers as Mama had been growing and budding over the course of the pregnancy, it is now in the process of fully blossoming into being. However, just like Baby’s growth, her “blossoming into Motherhood” is also a permanent ongoing process that will continue to unfold over time. And for many new Mamas, these early steps forward into the parenthood sides of things are the hardest ones of all. As I often say to folks I catch on the pregnancy side of things – “nothing is easier once Baby gets here.”

 What this means for you is that Mama’s new identity as “Mama” is neither solid nor stable over the first few months, or even years, after Baby arrives. She is learning and growing and adapting and changing right along with Baby. And while many of Baby’s changes are physical and easy to see through weight, size, and behavior, Mama’s internal growth and change is almost entirely invisible. Both to her and you! See how complex this whole space can be???

 So, to recap here for you:

 1)    Baby is here now and in need of constant attention, love, nourishment, support, and care. But they are developing and changing pretty rapidly and the what’s, why’s, and how’s of all of those things will continue to change as well. And you will need to figure it all out on the fly through a process of trial and error. What seems to “work” one week may no longer work the next week.

2)    Mama is also in need of attention, love, nourishment, support, and care. But she is constantly changing here too and you will need to figure out how to best do all of the above through a process of trial and error. What seems to “work” one week may not work the next week.

3)    The old relationship between you and Mama as two cool people without kids is over. The new task here is stop wishing and waiting for things to “go back to being the way they were” and to instead intentionally build a new relationship together as co-parents and caretakers of Baby. Obviously, you most likely bring some, if not much, of your previous relationship components with you to this task. However, it too will be a process of trial and error, and what seems to “work” one week may not work the next.

4)    You will have to figure out your path forward into Fatherhood, and Co-Parenthood and Partnership with Mama, almost entirely on your own through the process of trial and error. And what “works” one week may not work at all the next one.

 Wow. That’s a lot, right? And remember, Mama is trying her best to do very similar things on her side of the equation too. All of this adds up to quite a daunting dilemma, no?

 Tune in next week as I try to shed light on a very common and very damaging emotion that tends to come up on both sides of this dynamic – resentment – and a few tips I have found can be helpful in getting past it.