Resentment is a Thief
Last week’s blog, New Baby, Who Dis? highlighted the deepest challenge that I see so many new Dads facing in the first year of new parenthood. Namely, recognizing that their previous relationship with Mama is over, and the only path forward is to intentionally build a new relationship together as parents and as partners. I’ve covered some of this dynamic elsewhere, like here in Bouncing Forward, but for today’s piece I want to focus on the most problematic symptom I see in Dads (and Mamas too!) who are mired in the struggle of New Dad Life – Resentment – and discuss how that same symptom is also the biggest obstaclefor moving forward.
In short, Resentment is a Thief. It not only steals as much as it can from your current relationship, but more importantly, it also robs you and Mama of the opportunity to build a new and improved future relationship together that will better serve not only you two, but Baby as well.
From that most problematic symptom perspective, I see resentment showing up in various degrees for almost all of my Dad clients. They may have some resentment towards Baby, or more accurately, towards the impact that Baby is having on their lives. They may also have some resentment towards the larger culture and how there isn’t much out there in the way of appreciation, empathy, and support for New Dad Life and the challenges commonly faced therein. But the vast majority of the resentment I see in my work from the new Dads is aimed squarely at their partners.
THIS resentment covers everything from them feeling unseen or ignored, feeling unrealistically demanded upon, and feeling like they are supposed to magically know what to do, when to do it, and how to do it in just the right way. Recalling one of my threads from last week’s blog, getting a handle on all the ins and outs of New Dad Life is a difficult game of continuous trial and error, with lots of bad guesses and wrong moves being the main characteristic of the process. Like I often joke with the guys, this process is like starting a new job and getting no training, no manual, and no support, but being held accountable and scolded for “doing it wrong” being the only constants.
So, all this being said, I want to first tell you guys that I SEE YOU. I KNOW how hard you are working, how hard you are trying, and how much you care. And I KNOW how much it can suck to see all your efforts just not landing. And I KNOW how bad it feels to be vulnerable in this space and then have that vulnerability stepped on, or even turned back against you. That all sucks. Period. So let’s just recognize this for a moment and give it some space.
AND... I want to gently remind you guys that Mama is in THE EXACT SAME BOAT.
She too is struggling. Flailing around and REALLY trying to make it all work. HER best efforts are often coming up short too, and her vulnerabilities around Motherhood and being a “good mom” are immense. She too is in the same murky space of continuous trial and error, marked by lots of doing it wrong and self-judgement. She too is resentful of all the same things you are, and is probably aiming a good portion of it towards you as well.
This whole New Parent Life is messy, chaotic, and full catastrophe living. It is incumbent on both Dads and Moms to put real effort into coming out of it stronger individually and stronger together as partners. That being said, I don’t usually work with the Moms, I work with you guys. But my messaging here is the same for all parties involved. Resentment is a thief. It will steal as much as it can from your current relationship, and hobble your ability to forge a new and better one.
Recognizing this fact, and remembering we need to bounce forward, I will plead with you to try to recognize when this resentment is creeping in and encourage you to actively counter it with the most powerful antidote available – Gratitude. I’ve briefly covered the topic of Gratitude as the 6th Love Language before, but in this context, it is the most crucial ingredient on the list for building that new relationship that will be the foundation of your New Parent Life together as partners.
In my next post I’ll offer you some simple tips for replacing Resentment with Gratitude. I’ll also share some helpful examples of this in practice and outline some opportunities for you look for in your life to try it out for yourself.
