Shared Agreements & Baby Basics
This week’s blog will continue the trajectory of “New Baby Basics” kicked off a few weeks back with Skin-to-Skin is great for Dads too and last week’s Dad Tip #17 – Weird Baby. A theme you might have noticed in those previous posts is my continued effort to help you guys get better connected to your partner and Baby, and better prepared for what’s coming up next. These twin goals are really the entire purpose of much of my WTF work, it’s even the tagline on the front cover of my Welcome To Fatherhood book!
One area where I see so many new parents struggle really comes down to having different answers to just one question – how do we take care of our new Baby? Sure, there are some pretty common recommendations, guidelines, and clear minimal standards in play here. But the vast majority of what that looks like for you, your partner, and your Baby are things you’ll need to figure out through trial and error, and over time and opportunities. Which means lots of guessing and failed efforts. One way to move through these challenges of new parenthood more easily is to try to keep the emphasis on the “we” part of “how do we take care of our new Baby?” question.
Why the emphasis on “we?”
For starters, assuming this is your first Baby, neither you nor Mama have ever done this before either. Us guys tend to imagine that she is packed full of “Mom Instincts” that put everything Baby-related on autopilot. And while there is some real truth to that idea, the lived reality is that all of this is just as new for her as it is for you. And same for your Baby too. So all 3 of you are trying to find ways to work together in brand new realities. Not an easy task! Therefore, I find it really important to suggest that all new Dads look at Baby care as a team effort and approach it with an open mindset focused on observing what is happening and learning what works best for you, Mama, and Baby too.
A second reason to focus on “we” here is to avoid a very common and unfortunate process that unfolds for many new parents where Mama strives to do most of the new infant caretaking but then finds herself mostly alone in those efforts as time goes on. This tendency to put herself at the top of the list for Baby is understandable, but left unchecked can lead to all kinds of negative consequences down the line like feeling isolated and overwhelmed. And for the Dads this Mom-first approach can lead to feeling unappreciated, incompetent, or simply delegated to 3rd wheel status. Focusing on “we” as a team, as co-parents, as in-it-together and sharing responsibilities early and often goes a long way in preventing this issue from flaring up for your family.
But how to create that sense of “we-ness”? That team mentality, that deep sense of connection and togetherness, that is the foundation for your family moving forward?
The simplest path forward that covers these bases and more is to explicitly orient the various conversations over to “shared agreements” on how “we” agree to do most of the new Baby Basics like diaper changes, car seat-stroller-baby carrier transitions, and other common Baby actions. When possible, approach these things by explicitly asking “How do you think weshould do this?”, “What are your thoughts on the best way we can handle this challenge?”, or even just “Show me how you feel we should do this particular task.” You definitely want to stay away from asking for “Rules” about how these things get done, and even worse are conversations that frame things as “My way” vs “Your way.” When differences arise it’s always a fair question to simply say “What way works best for Baby?” Ultimately, the answer to this question will certainly drive most of your decisions.
Establishing shared agreements around new Baby care will go a long way for you and Mama’s bonds of teamwork. This sense of teamwork will in turn allow her to relax deeper into trusting you, allow you to build confidence in your caretaking abilities, and allow Baby to feel comfort and care equally from you both. And don’t worry, you’ll get plenty of opportunities to go into Dad-mode and improvise as you like later. That will actually go a lot better for all of you then the more you lean into shared agreements now.
